Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2 Page 19
Source: Local10.com
What? No Kid Named After Colonel Tom Parker?
Now, we like Elvis as much as anyone—we prefer the young Elvis to the heftier Vegas version, but despite our appreciation of the 1968 comeback special and Jailhouse Rock alike, we have our obsession under control.
Not so Jean-Pierre and Carine Antheunis, of Gent, Belgium. They have a little bit of an Elvis thing. Every time they have a child, they name the kid something that has something to do with Elvis. So, some of their kids’ names: Elvis (of course), Priscilla, Tennessee, and Dakota. We’re not sure what Dakota has to do with Elvis (although we know he’s frequently rumored to be working in a convenience store in South Dakota). Just remember, we like Elvis. We don’t live Elvis.
Alas, the Antheunis couple have a problem. They had fifteen kids(!), but then they had number sixteen—a boy—and they plumb run out of Elvis-related names. “If it had been a girl we would have called her Linda. Elvis once had a lover with that name,” said Jean-Pierre. Now we could offer obscure Elvis-related suggestions—how about Charro?—but the Antheunis appear to have settled on “Ohio” as a name. “There’s no connection with Elvis, but it’s in America,” Jean-Pierre said. Well, don’t forget the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is there.
It could have been worse. They could have named their kids after Duran Duran’s songs.
Source: Ananova, Beacon-Journal (Akron, OH)
Maybe Catering Next Time?
Pity poor Nikolai, from Todiresti, Romania. While most men look forward to a home-cooked meal prepared by their loving wives, Nikolai dreaded each and every one. Nikolai, you see, believed his wife to be perhaps the worst cook that ever lived—the Wolfgang Puck of bad cooks, if you will. Apparently, there was no dish she couldn’t prepare horribly.
In time, it seems, Nikolai’s dread of his wife’s cooking sublimated into another vector of emotion entirely: anger at the kitchen that enabled Nikolai’s wife to create meal after terrifying meal. Something had to be done. The kitchen needed to be stopped. And so it was that Nikolai entered the kitchen, opened up the valve on the gas, and then, at the right moment, threw a match on the stove. Take that, Dread Kitchen of Evil!
The room exploded, naturally enough, and Nikolai learned that when you play with fire, you’re going to get burned—he injured his hand in the explosion. Nikolai would later tell police that his inspiration for the explosion came from the action films of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis, although we’re personally hard-pressed to remember a scene in which either of them exacted revenge on a kitchen.
Nikolai was charged with destruction of property and endangering the life of his wife. He could get three years for that. But since that’s three years Nikolai won’t have to eat his wife’s cooking, we’re guessing he won’t see that as being an entirely bad thing.
Source: Ananova, Seattle Times
A New Spin on the “Shotgun Wedding”
Clem” was excited about the wedding—and we celebrate that emotion. That’s the way you’re supposed to feel when you’re a groomsman and helping your good buddy take that transition into married life. But there are appropriate ways to show that emotion. A witty toast at the reception. A nice gift. A bachelor party that will be remembered for years. All of these, acceptable. Firing off a semi-automatic weapon in a wedding limo? Not so much.
Panicked driver reports of shots being fired out of the sport utility-type limos brought the Macomb County, Michigan, sheriffs’ cars bearing down on the two wedding limos. The cops made all thirty-four members of the wedding party pile out of the cars—including the bride and groom. They searched the cars for the unconventional noisemaker, which they found in the form of a Glock pistol. Clem admitted the gun was his but swore he didn’t fire it, which was strange, since the cops determined the gun had recently been fired. What’s more, they found evidence to suggest the gun had been stolen.
Thirty-three members of the wedding party were allowed to pile back into the limos and go on to their wedding revelry. Clem, on the other hand, was arrested and charged with receiving and concealing a stolen firearm, violating concealed weapons laws, and firing from a vehicle. That was worth a $25,000 bond, which Clem forfeited when he skipped bail.
Oh, Clem. Next time, just try a nice toast.
Source: Detroit Free Press, Clickondetroit.com
A Fishy Domestic Dispute
The man claimed to the Michigan State Police trooper that his girlfriend had assaulted him with a knife. And the evidence appeared to back him up: there were cuts all over his body, as well a bite wound on his shoulder. The knife was not suspected to be the culprit of the bite wound. But everything else looked blade inflicted.
The girlfriend admitted to chewing on her boyfriend—a retaliatory bite, apparently, as she claimed he bit first—but denied she had so much as touched her man with a knife. When pressed on the subject, however the women divulged the unusual instrument of stabination:
A fish.
Yes, apparently, this charming couple had been whacking on each other for some amount of time, and it appeared as if the guy was going to get the upper hand. Then our heroine, showing the resourcefulness of a mother cougar defending her young—or at least of a future Jerry Springer show candidate readying herself for her moment of syndication—reached up to grab a mounted, stuffed fish from the mantle of the fire-place, and then proceeded to whale upon her boyfriend. We assume the guy told the cop he’d been stabbed with a knife because admitting to being perforated by a fish would make him look like a chump.
The girlfriend was hauled away, but we wonder what the charges might have been. Assault with a deadly, dead fish?
Source: Associated Press
Dim Bulbs in Bright Lights
Wayne’s World (1992)
Our Dumb Guys: Wayne Campbell (Mike Myers) and Garth Algar (Dana Carvey)
Our Story: Two guys living genial but dead-end lives do a local access cable show from a basement in Aurora, Illinois. A sleazy ad executive (a brilliantly cast Rob Lowe) offers them big money to upgrade the show and take on a sponsor, but our boys soon learn that corporate ties are the ties that bind. Along the way, lots of big hair metal music gets played, some of it by Wayne’s girlfriend (Tia Carrera).
Dumb or Stoned? A number of Wayne and Garth’s friends clearly partake of beer and other intoxicants, but the heroes themselves are largely clean. Also, neither Wayne or Garth are morons, they’re just easily entertained and a bit clueless (such as when they sign away the rights to their show for a few thousand dollars).
High Point of Low Comedy: The lip-synced performance of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” in Garth’s car is one of the best moments of young adult working-class humor of the 1990s, but the Scooby Doo surprise ending is the cleverest bit by far.
And Now, In Their Own Words: Wayne describing his year-long illness: “I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.”
They’re Dumb, But Is the Film Good? It’s highly amusing by it’s own merits, and as far as films based on sketches from Saturday Night Live go, it’s really in a class by itself. Cone-heads and A Night at the Roxbury would make Wayne and Garth hurl.
CHAPTER 18
Tips for Stupid Criminals
We hear you ask: are you really giving more tips to stupid criminals? Aren’t law-abiding citizens suffering enough? So, just to be safe, for all you stupid criminals out there, the following tips are for entertainment purposes only. Please do not follow them. If you should continue with criminal activities, please do so in as stupid a manner as possible, so that you will be easily caught and then safely locked up. Thank you for your attention. Now, on to the stories . . .
Tip 1
Don’t Leave a Paper Trail
Sam” and “Paul” knew this about cash registers: just as cracking a walnut’s hard outer shell yields the nutty goodness inside, so will the cash register issue forth green wads of cash and metal discs of change. This money goodness is why the
industrious duo kicked in the door of that Austin, Minnesota, restaurant, wrenched the shop’s cash register from its moorings, and fled the scene just as they were spotted by a passing cab driver, who called the cops to report their adventure.
What Sam and Paul apparently didn’t realize is that money is not all that a cash register stores. Some models (including the model they stole) also store long rolls of paper used to print out receipts for the customers. How long are these rolls of paper? Well, their lengths do vary, but in this particular case, it was just long enough that police called to the scene of the crime noticed that it had slipped out from the register, and followed its trail into the nearby bushes. Whereupon they found Sam, Paul, and the cash register, all in very close proximity to each other.
Sam and Paul were arrested, of course. Hopefully they’ll get a receipt with their charges.
Source: Associated Press
Tip 2
Don’t Forget About the Dye Pack
And what’s the dye pack? See, when you rob a bank, while the teller is shoveling cash into a bag, he or she will also slip in a contraption that looks like a regular wad of bills but actually contains an exploding canister filled with colored paint. When the canister explodes shortly after the perp leaves the scene, both he or she and the stolen money will be covered in paint, which makes a thief difficult to overlook and the money even harder to spend.
“Sandra,” who missed “Exploding Dye Pack 101” at bank robbing school, learned about the dye the hard way on the day that she walked into a Fort Worth, Texas, bank and robbed it. The teller handed over a bag filled with wads of cash and also a dye pack. Sandra grabbed the bag, left the scene, and overlooked the telltale canister hidden in her loot.
What does one do with a huge pile of ill-gained cash? In Sandra’s case, and in apparent obliviousness to the irony of such an action, she drove to the town of Burleson to deposit the cash in another bank where, much to her surprise, the dye pack exploded just as she tried to deposit the money. Covered in pink paint, Sandra figured out real quick that the jig was up. She and her stolen wads of cash, now also a warm shade of pink, fled the scene but were picked up a short while later by local law enforcement who had no problem finding her because, after all, she was painted pink.
Source: Reuters
Tip 3
Don’t Be Early to Your Robbery
Perhaps “Erik” had other things on his agenda for the day besides robbing the bank and wanted to get an early start on his larceny. This might be why he showed up at that bank in Arendal, Norway, at 8:30 in the morning, swathed in a balaclava-type hood and wielding a butcher knife.
Here’s the thing, though; the bank didn’t open until 9 a.m. The door was locked while the bank personnel went through their early-morning activities. So there’s Erik, in his balaclava and with his knife, standing at the door, waiting to get in. And what does he do next? He knocks on the door. To be let in.
Well, naturally, this doesn’t work terribly well. See, if you are a person working at a bank, no matter how much you pride yourself on the refreshing, helpful personal service you provide to each and every customer, chances are pretty good that you’re not going to be in a huge rush to admit into your place of business a knife-wielding fellow wearing a mask. And if you are, you should be fired.
Now what’s Erik to do? At this point, the prudent thing for a weapon-wielding potential robber to do is run away, ditch the knife and balaclava, and try to get through the rest of the day without attracting any attention to yourself. But Erik had a better idea. He was early, sure. So he’d just wait. For the bank to open. Then he could conduct his business. So that’s what he did, stationing himself and his knife on a nearby bench, which is where the police found and arrested him shortly thereafter.
So remember, you crazy, larcenous kids: early to bed and early to rise may make a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Early to a robbery just gets you in trouble.
Source: Aftenposten
Tip 4
Air Vents and Criminals Don’t Mix
It was an early Sunday morning in the U.S. Virgin Islands town of Christiansted, but “Adrian” was not having a day of rest—indeed, far from it, as he was busy robbing himself a cafe and trying to find a way to open the store’s safe. Before he could figure it out, however, the cafe’s morning shift arrived, slightly earlier than usual. Trapped, Adrian looked to hide and ended up stuffing himself very tightly into the cafe’s air conditioning vent.
This would have been a fine idea, had not the staff then decided to turn on the AC. For once they did, Adrian couldn’t help but notice that the cooling system’s fan was smacking him repeatedly and cutting into his flesh. And it was in the coiled-up, progressively minced position that the cafe’s staff found him a few minutes later, as they followed up the strange sounds coming from the cooling system.
Adrian got a trip to the hospital. Then he got a trip to jail. Maybe he should have made it a day of rest after all.
Source: Associated Press
Tip 5
Know Your Technology
Bud” and “Jan” wanted a Cadillac sold by an Independence, Missouri, dealership. They just weren’t keen on paying for it. Since stealing one was the only way, they nabbed a sweet model, one equipped with the OnStar navigation system. Not only could OnStar tell them how to get places, it could also let the dealership know where the stolen vehicle was being taken. But Bud and Jan (who by all indications had done their research on the make and model of car with which they were absconding) were prepared; shortly after they stole the car, they ripped out the car’s antenna—thereby silencing the onboard tracking system.
Or so they thought. What they had actually done was rip out the antenna for the Caddie’s XM satellite radio service. So while the Caddie could no longer get dozens of channels of CD-quality musical entertainment beamed to it from the cold, hard vacuum of space, it could still rat on Bud and Jan. Which is what it did and which is how police tracked down Bud and Jan later that same day.
David Clutts, executive manager of the dealership from which the Caddie was stolen, summed up Bud and Jan’s problem to the local newspaper: “They’re like most people who commit stupid crimes. They didn’t know what they were doing.”
Source: The Examiner (Eastern Jackson County, MO)
Tip 6
Know the Law in Your Jurisdiction
Rob” had decided he’s had enough of the life of a free man. He was broke, unable to find work, and to top it all off, abandoned by his wife. Depressed, he decided to end it all. Not by dying, but by robbing a bank in Yakima, Washington. See, back in California, Rob had three armed robbery convictions; he figured another one would trigger Washington state’s “Three Strikes” law and then he would have to be sentenced to life in prison. While life in prison is generally understood not to be a big bundle of fun, Rob figured it was free room and board; at the very least, he wouldn’t have to worry about what his social schedule would be like for the next several decades. So Rob went into that Yakima bank, robbed it, then took a seat, and waited for the cops to arrive. He figured he was a lifer for sure.
Guess again, Rob! It seems that thanks to a bizarre quirk in the way Washington’s Three Strikes law works, Rob’s California convictions only counted as one strike against him in Washington state. So even though Rob the Robber had robbed on four separate occasions (that we know about), in the eyes of the great state of Washington, they only counted as two strikes. So Rob’s felonious gesture wasn’t good enough for a lifetime of prison food and surly guards.
He had to content himself with a consolation prize—er, sentence—of “just” eight and a half years. But maybe if he’s lucky the state will deny him parole! We can all hope.
Source: Associated Press
Tip 7
Pssst . . . They Can See You on the Internet
Down in the Dallas, Texas, suburb of Garland, members of two gangs of intemperate rapscallions—let’s call them “The Ruffians” and “The Cads”—started
taunting each other with rather nasty strings of messages on Internet chat rooms associated with their music heroes. Given the shocking profanity of the messages, we can’t actually recount them here, so allow us to offer this re-enactment with language from a more gentle and civilized time:
Ruffian Member: I say! It is well known among people of class and distinction that the members of The Cads are no more than errant knaves!
Cad Member: Why, you base spouter of vile untruths! I shall strike you about the pate!
Ruffian Member: Indeed you shall not, for I and my band of good fellows shall strike blows upon you, and cause you much shame and discomfort!
Cad Member: ’Tis not so, you conniving wretch! Name but a time and place, and The Cads shall be there and you shall receive your richly deserved thrashing!
And so it came to pass that The Ruffians and The Cads did decide to have a rumble, and used the Internet to pass along information about time and place. This came in handily after the brawl when members of the Garland Police Department started looking online for information about the incident. Their investigations led them to the chat rooms where the gang members were sniping at each other; as some of the gang members had signed in with their own names, they were reasonably easy to track down.
Garland police eventually nabbed nearly three dozen people—most high school students—who were suspected of being present at the brawl, and charged them with a variety of offenses including riot participation and serious bodily injury, a felony that can get you up to twenty years. Additional evidence was supplied through a videotape one gang member made of the brawl. If you’ve gone through the trouble of announcing your brawl online, then why not tape it? As a bonus, you can stream the video afterwards!