Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2 Read online

  UNCLE JOHN’S PRESENTS BOOK OF THE DUMB 2

  Copyright © 2004 by Portable Press.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  “Uncle John’s Presents” is a trademark of Advanced Marketing Services, Inc.

  Project Team

  Amy Briggs, Editor

  Allen Orso, Publisher

  JoAnn Padgett, Director, Editorial and Production

  Michael Brunsfeld, Cover Design

  Kaelin Chappell, Interior Design

  Susan Gerber, Composition and Layout

  For information, write

  Portable Press, 5880 Oberlin Drive, San Diego, CA 92121

  e-mail: [email protected]

  ISBN 13: 978-1-60710-686-9

  E-book edition: October 2012

  05 06 07 0810 9 8 7 6 5 4 3

  DEDICATION

  This book is dedicated to Dora and Mike Blauser, my in-laws, because this is the only way either of them would ever show up in a book like this. Much love to the both of you.

  CONTENTS

  Introduction

  CHAPTER 1

  BIG DUMMY ON CAMPUS

  The Greatest Scavenger Hunt in the Universe

  Stupidity Is Alive and Well and Wearing Greek Letters

  If Nothing Else, He Has a Degree in Chutzpah

  How to Become the Most Hated Man in College Park

  A Double-Entendre That Has Absolutely Nothing to Do with Sex

  The Really Stupid Quiz

  CHAPTER 2

  BLAME IT ON THE FAME

  Not Exactly a “Smooth Criminal”

  Rub & Roll

  The Camera Has Stopped. Please Don’t Act Anymore

  A Step Down from “Clapton Is God,” to Be Sure

  To Tell the Truth

  A Jewel of a Concert

  Slappin’ to the Oldies

  The Really Stupid Quiz

  CHAPTER 3

  CHUG-A-LUG!

  Mmmm . . . Felonious Beer

  Chug-A, Chug-A, Choo-Choo!

  Bulldozing Berlin

  Blasphemy, Australian Style

  Fence Frustrates Sloshed Swede

  Oh, It Was Hazardous Material, All Right

  Blessed Aren’t the Dumb

  Those Weren’t the Suds They Were Looking For

  The Drunk Need Not Apply

  The Really Stupid Quiz

  CHAPTER 4

  DUMBING IN THE FAMILY

  So Happy Together . . .

  They’re Always in the Last Place You Look

  But You Can Get the Lithograph for Just $25K!

  Long-Term Storage?

  Does the Duffel Bag Cost Extra?

  Someone Left the Rake out in the Rain

  The Really Stupid Quiz

  CHAPTER 5

  EDU-MA-CATION

  The Class Ended with a Bang

  Death by Peanut Butter!

  To the Showers, Coach

  It Tasted Just Like Stupidity

  Not What They Meant by Sex Ed

  Everest Is Not in the Cards

  The Really Stupid Quiz

  CHAPTER 6

  GOVERNMENT GOOFS

  Uncle Sam Charges It

  Cyprus? It’s Near Crete. Really Near.

  No Straight Edge Required

  Are You There, Vishwakarma? It’s Me, Yadav

  Downgrading from the Sixth Circle of Hell to the Fifth

  Can’t Blame Them for Taking It

  Britain, Austria, Luvania?

  CHAPTER 7

  HI-TECH HALF-WITS

  And Yet, Almost Nothing of Any Value Ever Gets Said That Way

  GPS Also Stands for “Generally Pretty Stupid”

  The Ultimate in Poor Service

  Wireless Yet Stupid

  Insert “Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti” Joke Here

  The Perils of Being “Leet”

  Bidding on Jail Time

  No Such Thing As a Free Fill-Up

  Cell Phone Craziness

  Sleep On Your Own Time, Bub

  CHAPTER 8

  A HUNK, A HUNK OF BURNIN’ DUMB

  Talk About Char-Broiled

  Crispy Critters, Crispy Commerce

  From the Do-As-We-Say-Not-As-We-Do Department

  Pants on Fire

  He’ll Be the Butt of Jokes for Years

  Keep the Home Fires Burning

  Some Life Left in Them

  The Really Stupid Quiz

  CHAPTER 9

  THE LAW IS BLIND, NOT DUMB

  Undercover Idiocy

  Someone Who Wouldn’t Benefit From Tips for Stupid Criminals

  You’re Not an Emergency!

  A One Way Ticket to Stupidville, First Class

  Attention, Wal-Mart Shoppers

  She Should Have Seen It Coming

  Seriously Out of Uniform

  That’s the Ticket

  What Would You Do for Vanilla Roast?

  Oh Deer

  Flashy Stupidity

  CHAPTER 10

  MORONS AND MOTOR VEHICLES

  On the Road, Don’t Look at These Curves

  Vehicular Stupidity, Canadian Style

  Driving Toward Trouble

  I Wasn’t Speeding. The Earth Just Rotated Slower

  The Wrong Fake ID

  A Short Cut, Or a Long Way Down?

  A Crushing Loss

  She Can Park There for 17 Years

  The Case of the Too Clever License Plate

  CHAPTER 11

  OUTSMARTED BY ANIMALS

  Cette Panthére Est Trés Petite, Non?

  The Great Immobile Owl

  Meow, Baby

  Pssst . . . Dogs Don’t Get Representational Art

  And Then the Entire Town Imploded from the Weight of All the Puns

  Please, Think of the St. Bernards

  A Boner of a Regulation

  If You Give a Polar Bear a Cookie

  The Really Stupid Quiz

  CHAPTER 12

  POLITICAL PINHEADS

  Spelling Lesson

  Not Clear On the “Have to Win People’s Votes” Thing

  Put Down That Comic Book!

  Well, Then, Stop Printing Them with Flavored Ink

  Vice Presidential Misprint

  CHAPTER 13

  ROMANCING THE STONED

  When Not to Call the Police

  What If You Gave a Party and Nobody Came, Dude?

  Not Too Subtle

  Smuggler’s Blues

  Everybody Must Get Paranoid?

  Crack Is Wack

  A Case of Bad Crack

  She Flipped the Bird, He Flipped the Cuffs

  The Map to Idiotville

  When You’re Sniffing This Stuff, It’s Time for Rehab

  Dad, That’s My Coke!

  Another Meaning for Getting High

  CHAPTER 14

  SEX AND OTHER NAKED ACTIVITIES

  When Lust Goes Overboard

  That Greasy Freak

  From the “Probably Too Dumb to Be True” File

  Old School Nudity

  A Hardcore Benefit

  Like Romeo and Juliet, with Ductwork

  A Little Bit of Road Rage

  The Really Stupid Quiz

  CHAPTER 15

  STUPIDITY IS MY BUSINESS, AND BUSINESS IS GOOD

  Some Things You Just Can’t Give Away

  Trimming Justice

  A Bad Time to Be Out of Gas

  No Water for Me? Then No Tip for You

  “Nobody Asked”

  It’s Ne
ver Too Early to Develop Soul-Crushing Debt

  An Important Tip For Funeral Directors

  He Must Really Love His Staplers

  A Refreshing Moment of Honest, Corporate Greed

  Rabid Lawyer Put Down

  Malpractice or Monkey Business?

  You Must Be This Thin to Get Your Fish and Chips

  CHAPTER 16

  THE THRILL OF VICTORY, THE AGONY OF STUPIDITY

  Nothing Technical About This Knockout

  When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go

  Beer! Hockey Fans! What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

  The Rocket’s Red Wheeze

  Rumors of My Death Something, Something, Something

  A Promotion That’s Just Criminal

  The Really Stupid Quiz

  CHAPTER 17

  TILL DUMB DO US PART

  Goin’ to the Chapel and We’re Gonna Steal the Candleholders

  A Hot Time in the Old Car

  Inappropriate Use of Limos Abounds!

  He’ll Be Shopping for a Radiator Grille

  What? No Kid Named After Colonel Tom Parker?

  Maybe Catering Next Time?

  A New Spin on the “Shotgun Wedding”

  A Fishy Domestic Dispute

  CHAPTER 18

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  Don’t Leave a Paper Trail

  Don’t Forget About the Dye Pack

  Don’t Be Early to Your Robbery

  Air Vents and Criminals Don’t Mix

  Know Your Technology

  Know the Law in Your Jurisdiction

  Pssst . . . They Can See You on the Internet

  Make Sure Your Fake Badge Doesn’t Say Something Stupid

  Just Take the Wallet and Run

  Hey Big Spender, Try Laying Low for a While

  Don’t Moon Over Your Sentence

  The Police Hang Out at the Courthouse

  Try Knocking First

  Thou Shalt Not Steal—Especially from God

  Keep It Down

  CHAPTER 19

  TRAVEL TRAVAILS

  Naptime at 36,000 Feet

  Things Not to Leave in Your Rental Car

  Airport Insecurity

  In Man vs. Train, Bet on the Train

  Step Outside, Then Free Fall

  Empty Vessels

  Report the News, Don’t Make It

  We’re Sorry, This Is a No-Slapping Flight

  Don’t Rush Me

  The Really Stupid Quiz

  DIM BULBS IN BRIGHT LIGHTS

  Dumb and Dumber

  This Is Spinal Tap

  Fast Times at Ridgemont High

  Being There

  Zoolander

  Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

  Dude, Where’s My Car?

  Forrest Gump

  Wayne’s World

  THE ANNALS OF ILL-ADVISED TELEVISION

  Emeril

  The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer

  Pink Lady . . . and Jeff

  You’re in the Picture

  My Mother the Car

  The Chevy Chase Show

  Coupling

  XFL

  Cop Rock

  Supertrain

  Answers

  The Last Page

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  This is the second book in the Dumb series, and I’m pleased to note that it was as much fun the second time around as it was the first time (how often can you say that about anything?). Here are some of the people who helped to make it so.

  First, big thanks to my Beta Readers, who took a look at the raw articles and offered grammar and story suggestions. Most particularly, thanks to (in no particular order) Richard Jones, Duncan McGregor, Zeynep Dilli, Dave Ciskowski, Tony Dismukes, David Hodson, Christopher Nelson, Kevin Hicks, Laurel Halbany, and Aaron Brown. Once again, I’m sure a few names have slipped my mind—I beg forgiveness.

  Much of the research for this book was done via the Internet—an obscure computing network that many people don’t know about, but which I think will be big one day. You heard it here first. Yet again, the site that was the biggest help in gathering stories was FARK.com, whose tireless band of Farkers post crazy stories of people doing insane things at all hours of the day and night. To proprietor Drew Curtis and his merry crew, I reiterate my claims of much rockage. France surrenders. Your dog wants steak. Still no cure for cancer. Many thanks.

  At Portable Press, editor Amy Briggs was paid to put up with me, and I’m sure they didn’t pay her enough for what I put her through. Many thanks to her for giving the book structure and focus. Thanks also to JoAnn Padgett, Allen Orso, Kristen Marley, and Mana Monzavi, fine people all.

  My wife Kristine and daughter Athena make this universe a better place to be in, and whenever I marveled at the absolutely inane things people do with themselves, as I of course frequently did in writing this book, it was nice to be able to look to them for counterbalance. All my love to them, today, tomorrow, and on and on.

  PREFACE

  Welcome to the world of the dumb. Again.

  In this second foray into a place where bizarre events occur, the odd is commonplace, the eccentric is everyday, the weird is a walk in the park, and people definitely DO do the strangest things in the strangest places—they still all share one thing in common. No matter what the occasion or location—when these folks came to the party, they all checked their brains at the door.

  Thanks to the verbal prestidigitations of John Scalzi, Uncle John’s very own ringmaster of the absurd, we think that their faults, foibles, mistakes, and misdemeanors make for some pretty darned interesting reading. Sit back, relax, and read all about:

  •Setting off fireworks, indoors;

  •Mixing polar bears and cookies;

  •Drinking mystery fizz from chemistry class;

  •Breaking out of jail for a beer run; and many, many more!

  These stories are like potato chips; bet you can’t read just one . . . and we hope you enjoy them down to the last crumb. They’re a no-fat, zero-carb snack for your brain.

  Bon appetit,

  Uncle Al

  Publisher

  INTRODUCTION

  I’m going to let you all in on a secret: When writing a book like Book of the Dumb 2, the question is not: Will I find enough stuff to write an entire book? The question is: Aaaaaugh! There’s too much stuff! What do I choose?

  It’s no joke. Every day during the writing of this book there would be eight, ten, or even twelve stories I’d read that would be a truly excellent fit for Book of the Dumb 2. It’s an embarrassment of riches. This is good for us, the people who make the book, but at the same time it also makes us wonder about the sort of world we’re living in. Well, we’ll let someone else bother with the philosophical and sociological ramifications of such an avalanche of dumbosity. For us, and for this book, we just want to have fun with it all.

  And so: Book of the Dumb 2, with its stories lovingly hand-picked for their extra special dumbness. I’m proud to say that once again, the stories and the people in them run the gamut, from common thieves to uncommon celebrities, from the very smart (who should know better) to the very, well, not smart. As I mentioned in the introduction to the first book, it’s not just “stupid” people who do dumb things. Everybody does them. They are the great leveler in our world. Dumb moves are perhaps the most democratic expression of the human condition we have. Also, they’re good for a laugh. You can’t beat that.

  Those of you who are picking up this book without having read the first Book of the Dumb don’t need to worry—this book is self-contained, so jump right in and enjoy it. Those of you who did read the first Book of the Dumb, however, will notice a couple of changes. Most obviously, the book is now arranged by chapters—so if you want to just read stories about people behind the wheel or getting stupid with fire, you don’t have to hunt through the book: they’re all in one place for you. And there are other new bits as well:

  •Dim Bulbs In Bright Lights: A collection o
f films featuring famously dumb characters: From Jeff Spicoli to the dudes from Dude, Where’s My Car?, all your favorite cinematic idiots are here.

  •The Annals of Ill-Advised Television: You know how every year, there are some TV series where you just look at them and think: how on earth did THAT get on the air? This is a celebration of those shows. We’ve got shows that should have killed off the whole broadcast medium, yet somehow strangely did not.

  All of this on top of favorite features from the first book: The Really Stupid Quizzes, and Tips for Stupid Criminals. And of course, many, many tales of dumbness that you have every right to expect from a book entitled Book of the Dumb 2.

  Have fun with the book, and remember: don’t ever let any of these things happen to you.

  Enjoy!

  —John Scalzi

  CHAPTER 1

  Big Dummy on Campus

  Higher Education—they say it’s about making everyone smarter, but the following adventures seem to indicate otherwise. So sit back and thrill to the adventures of the following collegians, who while they may not graduate Summa Cum Laude, may graduate Summa Cum Dummy, if they graduate at all. And for all you folks in college right now: do any of this stuff, and your folks will instantly cut off your tuition. And that would be pretty darn terrible.

  The Greatest Scavenger Hunt in the Universe

  There are scavenger hunts, and then there are scavenger hunts. And then there is the annual University of Chicago Scavenger Hunt, the biggest, baddest hunt of them all. Nationally recognized, every year the judges of the scavenger hunt—part of an official student group at the university—present a list of some of the strangest objects and most bizarre tasks that humans can legally find or do. Students from the University of Chicago then get them or perform them in front of judges. The whole shebang takes just three days, but the side effects last a lifetime. Below you’ll find some choice selections from recent U. of C. Scavenger Hunt lists. You have to be smart to do stuff this dumb:

  •Find the tallest person you can find. Seriously. As simple as that. The team that presents the judges with the tallest person gets the points. Also, throw in the hairiest chest, the biggest ears, the longest tongue, the worst tanline, the webbedest toes, the longest eyelashes, the most nipples, the longest hair, the longest nails, and the most different-colored eyes. Everything must be real, and it goes without saying that bonus points are awarded if one person has all of these aesthetic features.