Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2 Read online

  Perhaps banking on every American’s attraction to bright exploding things, the management of the football-playing Corpus Christi Hammerheads arranged to have a fireworks display before the start of their game against the San Angelo Stampede (which, we’ll note, the Hammerheads defeated 29–28. Rock on, Hammerheads!). It would be a perfect start to a great game—the fireworks above the field before the game would set the scene for the athletic fireworks on the field during the game.

  One small detail: the Hammerheads play football indoors.

  Does this matter? It does when the firework display goes awry, as it did this night, and a blue wave of fireworks smoke starts filling the arena, as it did at the Corpus Christi Memorial Coliseum. To make matters worse, the arena doesn’t have roof vents to let the smoke escape. What you end up with in that case is the audience pouring out of the stadium, a couple people carried away on stretchers for smoke inhalation, and all sorts of people taking oxygen hits because their asthma has been aggravated. Now that’s the way to get a crowd worked up before the game! “I can’t explain what happened,” said Hammerheads owner Chad Dittman. Well, Chad, three words: Fireworks. Indoors. No.

  And happily enough, Dittman agreed: “It will be the last time we have fireworks,” he told the press. Hammerheads fans—and their lungs—thank you.

  Source: Associated Press, IntenseFootballLeague.com

  Rumors of My Death Something, Something, Something

  It was a very sad day for the Carlisle Cricket Club in Carlisle, England, when they heard that one of their own, Leonard Brunton, had gotten himself into something of a sticky wicket; namely, he was dead. For years Brunton, or “Bunt” as he was called down the pub, had served as batsman, umpire, and groundsman for the team. Oh, very sad, it was. And so the boys did the right thing: before a game they had a moment of silence, and one of his teammates spoke of him, and they even lowered the flags at the cricket field. Someone suggested that perhaps they might send some flowers, and had one of the boys call the widow to find out where they should be delivered.

  The answer: nowhere, since Bunt himself answered the phone. Either the dead had risen and were playing cricket in Carlisle, or this particular Bunt had never been laid down. And while the idea of zombie cricketers is a fine one—finally, a group utterly at peace with the pace of the game!—the whole “not dead yet” thing was probably more likely. What happened was that somebody from the cricket team had read an obit in the newspaper for someone who had the nickname of “Bunt.” Reasoning that no one else could possibly have the same nickname, he went and spread the news of their old mate’s passing. Good thing for Bunt his nickname wasn’t “Tiny” or “Doc.” He’d have had six or seven memorials by now.

  Bunt received the news of his passing pretty well: He didn’t keel over in shock or anything. ““It was very weird but I’m glad to say I’m very much alive,” Bunt told the BBC. “Now I’m going to go and have a drink with them to prove I’m still here.” One wonders, when Bunt finally does pass on, if his cricket club will actually believe it.

  Source: BBC, News & Star (Carlisle, UK)

  A Promotion That’s Just Criminal

  June 2, 2004, was two things. First, it was the tenth anniversary of the arrest of O. J. Simpson for the murder of his estranged wife Nicole and her pal Ron Goldman. Second—it was Sport Criminals Night at T. R. Hughes Ballpark in O’Fallon, Missouri, home of the minor league River City Rascals!

  Yes, in this wacky promotion—a celebration of delightful intersection of sports and the criminal world—the entire stadium would be turned into a prison! Fans who wore the jersey of a pro athlete convicted of a crime would get free admission. This ruled out O.J., since he was acquitted, but never fear: A trading card with an accused athlete—which O.J. certainly was—would get you past the turnstiles. There was a trivia contest on sport criminals, prison-themed snacks (bread and water! Just $1!), and every inning, some lucky fan would be thrown into “dugout jail”—all the fun of incarceration, without an annoying shiv in the kidneys.

  “We know some will be offended by this,” Rascals spokesman Phil Giubileo told St. Louis Post-Dispatch sports columnist Bernie Miklasz. “But we’re always aggressive in our promotions. Ninety-nine percent of what we do is family friendly and wholesome. But you’ve got to throw a curveball every now and then.” Well sure. Because if you can’t have edgy fun yukking it up with your kids over sports heroes who have murdered, raped, or assaulted other people, you’re just an old stick in the mud. Dugout jail for you!

  So how did Sports Criminals Night go? Well, it didn’t, because apparently the fans of the River City Rascals thought it was a horrible, terrible idea to glorify the acts of cretinous athletes, and weren’t shy about letting the team know. The promotion was canceled the day after it was announced. On the Rascals Web site, the team backtracked with the rationalization that “Our intent wasn’t to honor or celebrate any criminal acts that were committed or alleged by a professional athlete, and was actually an attempt to identify how the media has changed in recent years as a result of these incidents.” Yes, we can see how offering free admission to people wearing jerseys of criminals is all about the media.

  Our suggestion for a replacement event: Promotion Director Piñata. Hey, they’ve already got the bats.

  Source: St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Associated Press

  The Really Stupid Quiz

  The Thrill of Victory, The Agony of Stupidity

  One story is a home run of truth. Two stories are fan-clobbering foul balls of patent lies. Can you tell the difference? We’ll just see about that.

  1.The next time you gripe out pro athletes being overpaid babies, consider the soccer players of Mioveni, in Romania. As with many professional athletes, they believed the hard work they were doing on the field was underappreciated and undercompensated by the team owners. So, as a team, they demanded a raise in pay. And as a team, the owners canned them and immediately went looking for new players. How much more money did the players demand? Oh, about $8 a month. The team owners, who are also the city council members of Mioveni, called the pay raise demand “outrageous” and said “If they won’t accept the salary on offer then they can get on with their lives while we look for replacements. It’s as simple as that.”

  2.A “friendly” game of darts between “Pat” and “Jamie” in County Cork, Ireland, became a lot less friendly as Pat began to complain about Jamie’s throwing technique. This so incensed Jamie that he raised the stakes and challenged Pat to a duel—an actual duel. “The pair of them went out the pub with their darts, stood back to back, counted off ten paces and then started throwing darts at each other,” said one witness. Jamie’s throwing technique prevailed, since he nailed Pat in the head with a well-aimed throw. Sadly for Jamie, even in Ireland, that’s assault, and that’s a trip down the gaol for him, while Pat was off to the local hospital, but at least they both emerged with their honor intact.

  3.South Korean soccer fans got an astronomical site in July 2004 when a striker on the Suwon Samsung Bluewings dropped his shorts and mooned the home team fans of the Chonbuk Hyundai team at the Jeonju World Cup Stadium, after the Bluewings tipped the ball into the goal. “Our guy decided that the fans had been rude and wanted to return the favor,” said Bluewings coach Cha Bum-keun told reporters. “I understand his frustration but I can’t say I’m pleased with the actions.” Play was stopped briefly as angry fans both pelted the field with drink cups and in several cases dropped their own pants to return the favor.

  Answers on page 329.

  The Annals of Ill-Advised Television

  Today’s Episode: XFL

  Starring in this Episode: The XFL, a new football league, featuring Jesse Ventura as an announcer

  Debut Episode: February 3, 2001

  The Pitch: It’s football, reimagined by World Wrestling Entertainmet impresario Vince McMahon and half-owned by NBC. In this version, the sport would be rougher (no mamby-pamby kicking for the extra point after a touchdown—it�
�s the two-point conversion or nothing!) and would feature interactive elements like microphones in huddles and cameras in cheerleader locker rooms. Games would run in the February through April interim between the end of the football season and the beginning of the baseball season.

  It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time Because: It promised to combine the two most fanatical sports audiences—for wrestling and for football—into one huge beefy unit.

  In Reality: The opening numbers for the XFL were huge; 54 million people tuned in the first week. But then the floor fell out; the vaunted “smashmouth” play was in reality just sloppy, and the ham-handed attempts to inject wrestling-style drama (including a “feud” between announcer Ventura and one of the coaches) were lame. Wrestling fans didn’t get the drama they loved; football fans suspected that a football league run by people from wrestling would eventually choose scripts over sports. Five weeks after the debut, one game garnered a 1.6 rating, which was the lowest prime time rating ever registered by any program of any kind in the entire history of network television. Talk about a fumble.

  How Long Did It Last: One league season, which was twelve weeks (ten regular season, two playoffs). In May 2001, Vince McMahon officially closed the league. NBC and WWE are estimated to have lost $70 million between them on their little football adventure.

  Were Those Responsible Punished? As if. McMahon still runs his very successful wrestling empire, while NBC by all indications is still on the air. Jesse Ventura went back to his day job as governor of Minnesota, and one assumes that many of the XFL’s football players went back to their day jobs, too.

  CHAPTER 17

  Till Dumb Do Us Part

  We like marriage; it’s better than Yahtzee. Better than Triple Yahtzee, even (and it doesn’t get much better than that). But even the best couples, the most harmonious matrimonial states, have their moments of abject idiocy. And the stories you are about to read—well, let’s just say that most of these aren’t exactly perfect marriages. Or if they were, they certainly weren’t after the events shared herein.

  Goin’ to the Chapel and We’re Gonna Steal the Candleholders

  Marriage is a blessed institution, but paying for a wedding can be damned expensive. Everything about them costs money, from the wedding dress, meant to be worn only once, to the costs of the little centerpieces at each table at the reception. But if you’ve got imagination, ingenuity, and a willingness to make a few opportunities where none previously existed, you can bring down the cost of your wedding quite a bit.

  Just ask “Maude,” an Aussie woman who was planning to wed to an American she met over the Internet. Maude wanted to make sure she didn’t start her married life in a financial hole, so she decided that instead of paying for her wedding, she’d simply steal it. With that goal in mind, Maude and a willing accomplice embarked on a three-month shoplifting spree to nick what she needed for the happiest day of her life.

  She did pretty well. For the reception, she stole china and cutlery as well as tumblers and wine glasses for drinks. Guests used stolen ashtrays and danced to music played on a stolen stereo, while stolen trimmings, balloons, candles, and lights added to the feloniously festive atmosphere. And what about the ceremony itself? One of the groomsmen was outfitted in a stolen suit and tie, and the bride herself—clearly far too deep in the criminal hole to be described as “blushing”—wore a purloined wedding dress worth more than $1400 (in Australian dollars). All told Maude pilfered more than $5,000 worth of wedding-related stuff.

  Maude saved a bundle on the wedding, but there was a price to pay, as she learned when the cops showed up at the door to reclaim the pilfered items, and to arrest her for handling stolen goods, theft, and possessing the proceeds of crime. They also tacked on assaulting police, since the dainty Maude threatened to spit on the cops. So much for newlywed joy.

  Maude was sentenced to two months in jail (suspended for one year), a sum of time that wasn’t that much shorter than her marriage, which unraveled in just six months. Add in the three months Maude spent stealing stuff for the wedding, and she spent nearly as much time preparing and then paying for her wedding as she spent actually being married. Maybe she should have eloped.

  Source: News.com.au, The Age (Australia)

  a hot time in the old car

  Have a hankerin’ to perform a sex act in a semipublic place to spice up the old marriage? It sure is risky, so here’s one tip: make sure there are no warrants out for your arrest, or you might run into the unusual bit of coitus interruptus that afflicted a Denver area couple in May 2004.

  Seems that our married couple had the desire to take their connubial bliss on the road, so they drove up to the Dillon Reservoir in the Rocky Mountains for a little bit of that good ol’ fashioned backseat action. While they were enjoying the privileges of marriage, a passing deputy happened to notice there was a moon rising and stopped to investigate. Once he determined the couple were engaging in activities that were both consensual and matrimonial, our deputy ran a background check on the two and determined the husband had an outstanding warrant.

  It was nothing serious—it was a dog-at-large charge (that will teach you to keep your pets on a leash)—but it was an outstanding warrant all the same, and the deputy was obliged to discharge it. So the deputy told our amorous fellow to cough up the fine: $63. Well, our man was caught a little short, as it were, and so everyone had to take a trip down to an ATM, and then to the county jail, where the fine was paid. And then our couple, we assume, went home lighter in the wallet and with their fiery passion well and truly doused. We’re guessing they’ll be keeping their activities homebound for a while now.

  Source: The Summit Daily News (CO)

  Inappropriate Use of Limos Abounds!

  Boy, have we got a cautionary tale for you folks today, based on the story of “Lester” and “Lily,” a couple from Boston, Massachusetts, both of whom are driving limos, which they owned.

  First, let’s start off with the men. Men, let’s say you’re married to a woman, and the two of you are estranged but trying to patch things up. If that is the case, you should not be, as one policeman put it, “enjoying the company of an unidentified female” in the back of the limo you own, especially if you’ve parked the limo somewhere your wife can find you. The reasons for this should be clear enough. Okay? Groovy.

  Now, ladies, let’s say you’re driving along in your limo and you see your husband’s limo parked somewhere, and you find said husband enjoying the company of an unidentified female. Enraged though you may be, do not hop back into your own limo and use it to ram your husband’s limo. It’s not nice to the limo. It’s not the limo’s fault your husband is a sleezebag. Okay? Groovy.

  Back to the men. Men, let’s say your wife is slamming her limo into your limo because of some crazy misunderstanding about an unidentified woman who may or may not have been in the back seat of your limo. Do not flee in that limo. Because if you try to flee in the limo, your wife may chase you with her limo, ramming into your limo several times during a chase where the two of you reach speeds of 50 miles an hour. Really, that’s just not safe.

  Once more with the ladies. Women, if you are tempted to chase after that man who is trying to escape your righteous wrath and ram his vehicle over and over and over again, well, won’t you please think of the children? Specifically, the four children in the backseat of your limo, between the ages of two and thirteen? It’s just a hunch we have, but we believe strongly that, aside from the issue of putting the children in extreme physical danger by ramming another car at high speeds, there’s also the fact that, really, no amount of therapy is ever going to make that memory right.

  Needless to say, Lester and Lily did all of these things. Lily got arrested on multiple charges, including assault with a dangerous weapon and driving to endanger. Lester is now the owner two smashed up limos. The kids were taken to the hospital for observation and then released to relatives. The unidentified female, who was in Lester’s limo for the chase scene,
got the hell out of these as soon as possible (and who can blame her).

  In case you’re wondering, Lester told reporters that the reconciliation is now off. You know, we’d guessed that already.

  Source: Boston Globe

  He’ll Be Shopping for a Radiator Grille

  You see them all the time. Guys standing around, that blank look in their eyes, while their women do whatever shopping that needs to be done in whatever store it is they need to shop in. Most men understand that it’s part of the whole “for good and bad” thing that gets slipped into the wedding vows.

  “Arturo” of Miami, Florida, was having none of that junk. His wife was dawdling in a store and Arturo just had other things to do. So he stomped out of the store and got into his car. This was followed shortly thereafter by said car crashing through the front of the store. That’ll get her attention, Arturo! Although, what with the police who will follow up, maybe it won’t get you out of the store afterward.

  Upon later questioning, Arturo denied that he’d had any intention of entering the store via his car. All he wanted to do was sit in the car and listen to the radio. But then he accidentally put the car in reverse and hit the gas. The next thing he knew, he plowed through four cars in the parking lot and gone through the store. Someone clearly needs to tell Arturo that in most cars made in the last 40 years, you can listen to the radio without actually starting the engine.

  No one was hurt (except the store window). Arturo was cited for careless driving. And we suspect he may not be taken on any more shopping trips. (Which means, of course, that he won.)